The demons return! BEFORE YOU READ ANY FURTHUR U SHOULD KNOW I'M BRUTALLY HONEST, SOME OF THIS SHIT MAY STRIKE A CHORD AND PISS YOU OFF, IF IT DOES BE HAPPY THAT'S AN AREA OF IMPROVEMENT, SOMETHING THAT YOU DISLIKE IN URSELF THAT I REMIND YOU OF.....GLAD TO BE OF ASSISTANCE, I WELCOME UR INPUT FELLOW EARTHLINGS!
SO....IN THE BEGINNING.....JK, HUMDRUM DAY: I come home after a great night at NA. What a rush to be around so many like minded intelligent people. I think sometimes that what I've heard a lot may be true. OK so maybe I am a little harder than most to brainwash, because I revolt at catchy phrases and want to make my own. I don't like being a cog in a wheel dammit I want to be the driver. Isn't that the one who has the most fun?
I know by now that I'm a very smart girl. If my parents are any indication I should have known I was smart from the start. It's impressive when I can say my dad's a doctor and mom's a nurse practitioner. Why then did I not believe it? Maybe because I never heard that message said out loud so I made my own conclusions, from my insecure child brain. (BOO HOO WHERE'S THE DAMN VIOLIN) It doesn't really listen to logic, it likes feelings....unfortunately. And what are those anyway....electrical impulses, tapes we were programmed into believing, and inaccurate comparisons to other who of course were better than us in every way!
So okay maybe I like many of us have a few self-esteem issues, who doesn't right? It's so wierd as an adult I still feel like wolves are raising me. As my insecure fluff ball Diogie, sniffs my crotch jealous I cheated once again tonight on him ;) What a whore I am, holding that puppy all night, and talking to it like I THINK it actually understood me. WAIT CAN YOU HEAR MY THOUGHTS TOO....JK, BUT 4SERIOUS SUMTIMES I THINK MY DUMB ASS DOG MAY BE EONS MORE INTELLIGENT THAN EVEN EINSTEIN, WHY U ASK....
HE definitely knows more about love than anyone I know does(CAUSE I HAVE 600 FACEBOOK FRIENDS THAT LOVE ME RIGHT) , and isn't that what it's all about anyway. When all the channels have the same theme, but one....the religious one and it's about love anyway, just of God which is ourselved in a sense anyway. Whoa, sorry if I got kinda deep there. Politics, religion, and what's that other one are not my strong suits. BUT FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON ANY AND ALL OF THEM SO I CAN TELL U THAT U KNOW NOTHING LIKE ME, AND WE'RE ALL IDIOTS WHO KNOW EVERYTHING....AND ARE ALWAYS RIGHT :)
WHY SHOULD U READ MY BORING CRAP YOU ASK....BECAUSE I KNOW I AM AN EXPERT ON THE FOLLOWING THINGS, OH YEAH AND I'M A TRAINED THERAPIST WITH AN M.A AT THE END OF MY NAME AND CAN WRITE A BOOK PPL WILL THINK I KNOW A LOT ABOUT THEN ;) WHAT I'M AN EINSTEIN IN; Love (I'M A GREAT COUPLE COUNSELOR SAYS MY TEACHER WHOSE PART OF A TOP 12 GRADUATE PROGRAM I ATTENDED, sensitivity (I'M EXTREMELY PSYCHIC LIKE WE ALL ARE TO AN EXTENT, BUT I HAVE A SPECIAL GIFT OF INTUITION WHERE I CAN HEAL ANIMALS BY SENSING IN MY BODY WHERE THEY ARE HURT, AND ALMOST BE ABLE TO READ PPL'S THOUGHT LIKE SOOKIE OF THOSE CLOSE TO ME, IT'S A BIT SCARY SOMETIMES ALL THE MSG'S I GET, moxy (I'M A BALLSY BITCH WHO CAN FIGHT W/THE BEST OF THEM, VERBALLY I'VE HONED MY SLAYING SKILS BY FIGHTING W/MY CRAZY TWIN AND MOTHER DAILY FOR 31 YRS, and AM TOO honest AND NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT EITHER, ANONOMOUSLY OF COURSE ;).
That's why I think I'm entertaining enough for you to be reading this since you hopefully got this far. I still want to be able to remember the story instead of only the punchline and make u laugh till ur stomach hurts and u cry! That's the best stuff in life right! How rare that is, and beautiful too. My humor is dark and biting. Somewhat morbid too. I'm a sick puppy and it scares everyone but is good for a laugh too sometimes. That's all I'm really out for now, don't be fooled. That and a way to get these demons out of my head.
Why am I a demon fighter you ask. Well first off I'm a survivor. Three alcoholic parents if u count the pervert stepdad, a victim of 8 years of catholic education, Bipolar Disorder, a nasty Heroin, Coke, and somewhat crazy Alcohol addiction, a distant father who thanks to the Army Rangers and Vietnam left a emotionally devoid man, a BiPolar mother who would say two words to u and reduce you to tears then love you like you've never known, BUT make you prove your love through ALMOST CLEANING HER ASS WHILE U SCRUB HER TOILET AND FLIP HER LIGHT AND FAN SWITCHES OFF AND ON.....A VERSION OF CINDERELLA THAT'S OH SO WARPED, THEN wrap UP THE COMPLETE MOMMY PACKAGE UP by keeping you attached like a child forever while you idolize her for being your hero AND SURVIVING A ALCOHOL AND DRUG ADDICTION YOU WATCHED BRING HER TO DEATHS DOOR THEN FIGHT BACK DAY BY SLOW DAY TILL SHE TOUGH AS NAILS AND SUCCESSFUL AS HELL. Oh did I mention having a batshit crazy identical twin sister who I love more than anyone, but want to BEAT HER TO NORMAL LIKE SOME BODY BLOWS WILL FLIP HER NARCISSISTIC/BIPOLAR/INSANE ADHD BACK TO SOME SENSE OF ORDER ON a daily basis. I suppose this is me in a nutshell, but like Austin Powers THIS IS ME BREAKING THE FUCK OUT OF THE WEAK ANTIQUATED NUTSHELL TILL I'M ON TOP BIATCHES! FINALLY A WOMAN PRESIDENT, JK!
Back to the smart shit. So yeah, I have been in school for a very long time, which right now I am cut off from. A lovely little decision to drive on a suspended license for the second time, then try to impersonate my twin when I get pulled over two feet from freedom. Since they suck, I went to jail for 8 days b/c of my damn twin sister! I'll get too it! First though, when the fuck did it not become cool for twins to not be able to play pranks even if it is on the cops! Do they not have a little bit of a sense of humor when I've spent over $100,000 in loans on their campus where they have nothing to do but harass first time offenders. Even now, I have one class left till I can be an official therapist after 4 years in graduate school, and they won't let me on campus. For no reason other than absolutely nothing substantial. So I drive on campus to their police department b/c I'm in the shit pile of stuff they don't care about. Five calls, and email, and no return call later I'm taking my fucking chances.
Well, by the seat of my pants I have some luck on that hell hole of a campus (not really, just the police prescense where they have nothing better to do than arrest students so their boring jobs have some excitement for once), and RUIN MY LIFE! So the bored/irritable for no reason JUNIOR officer tell me that he would have arrested me if his boss wouldn't have talked to me walks away pissed.Finally the Leuitenant tells me that I can take the class if I get him a schedule first, oh wait don't u have to go on campus to get registered, buy a parking decal, buy books, and any number of useless red tape where u would NEED to be on campus to do before you can get a schedule. What idiots!!!!
So I'm a Special Ed teacher for the last ten years, but because I got arrested for impersonating my twin I can kiss that 6 years of education goodbye because no one hires someone with a record!!!!Can you tell I'm a little bitter. I heard somewhere that train wrecks are interesting to watch. Well, watch out because that's what my life has been. I got to meetings to try to get back on track till the demon mind of mind fucks me up again!!! I'll try not to whine too much in the future, but who doesn't love a little police bashing! Personally I love going to the races to watch the cars crash.
Well if you like that too, you are in the right place because I have some interesting SHIT for you to come!!!! Preview you ask, idea of the next installment......ok I'm a sucker. IT'S A REALITY SHOW RIGHT, I FINALLY HAVE ONE AND AM GETTING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BE THE CRAZY BITCH I AM, BUT U GET TO SEE SOME OF MY INSANE MOVIE LIKE SHIT, MEANING IT'S NOT UR AVERAGE STUFF TO BE WITNESS TO AND STUFF I'D RATHER GET UP AND OF MY HEAD A LITTLE INTEAD OF DRAGGING IT AROUND: being the first on scene to watch my friend and dealer get shot in the neck and die while I bring him coffee thinking it's just a heroin overdose, being Baker Acted twice(WHERE U GET LOCKED UP AGAINST UR WILL FOR A MINIMUM OF 3-5 DAYS BY ANYONE WHO THINKS UR NUTS, DOCTORS, POLICE, THERAPIST, BASICALLY IT'S LIKE GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS AND HAVING TO PAY FOR IT WHILE UR LOCKED AWAY WAITING TO SEE A DOCTOR WHO RELEASES U WHEN HE FINALLY DEEMS U NORMAL...SO WATCH OUT WHAT U SAY KIDS B/C IT'S NOT FUN, when my ex fiance killed himself because I cheated on him and then thought I deserved to suffer and die, but instead PUNISHED MYSELF THROUGH ABUSIVE relationships FOR 7 YEARS.
EXAMPLES:BEING thrown four feet by my hair BY A JUNKIE LIVING AT MY HOUSE FOR FREE WHO WAS PURE MUSCLE AND MAD ABOUT SLEEPING IN THE CLOSET...THAT'S A FUN ONE...PPL LAUGH, HAVING my hand permanently disfigured THAT HE STILL THINKS IS FUNNY when my next fiance almost twisted it upside down, punching him in the mouth so many times his teeth went thru his lip, HAA HAA then being told he could call the cops on me after months of physical, verbal abuse, and blackouts.
WHEN I WAS SICK OF THE BEATINGS AND VERBAL INSANITY, MY GUILT GRADUATED ME TO PUNISHING MYSELF THROUGH NEEDLES AND PAIN WHERE I OD'ED ALMOST 3 TIMES, AND THE LAST ONE FINALLY ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL UNABLE TO BREATH W/O TREATMENTS IN THE ER WHERE THEY HAD TO GIVE ME 2 NITROGLYCERINS SO I DIDN'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK AFTER SHOOTING COKE AND ALMOST DYING AGAIN! STRANGELY ENOUGH, NONE OF THIS WAS ON A CONSCIOUS LEVEL?
SO REMEMBER IF U LEARN NOTHING ELSE GUILT KILLS AND THE DEMONS TRY AND REMIND YOU EVERYDAY, SO FIGHT MY STRONG ONES AND SEND THEM PACKING KNOWING U DID THE BEST U COULD AT THE TIME!!!!
Finally my wonderful childhood with a mother so depressed she never left bed after trying to die from a Benzo(Xanax) addiction where she actually received Shock Treatments, having a lesbian big sister get me hooked on heroin, methadone, and now suboxone which I can't seem to kick, and being laughed at by my family when I tried to come out at 30 that I could admit finally I was Bi-sexual, not a Lesbian(U dumb men know who u are, there is a distinction....that goes for all u bulldikes too and lesbian haters that say we just can't make up our minds). I loved when I got LOCKED UP AGAIN BY MY TWIN AFTER BEING MACED WHEN SHE WENT AND WANTED REVENGE. SHE WENT AGAINST THE REST OF MY FAMILY(A DOCTOR AND NURSE PRACTITIONER'S WHO DIDN'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN, BUT IT STILL DID.
I WAS ACTUALLY CLEAN, AND SO CAN U BE, BUT UNTILL THEY PEE TEST YOU FOR DRUGS YOU'LL WAIT TO FIRST SEE THE DOCTOR WHO DOESN'T COME ON THE WEEKENDS. JUST THE SUSPICION OF BEING ON DRUGS AND ANY PREVIOUS BLEMISHES ON UR "CRAZY RECORD" IS ALMOST A GUARANTEE OF FUTURE JAIL VISITS. THAT'S ALL IT TAKES AND SOME WEIRD RED MARKINGS ON UR SKIN IN A PHOTOS AND A BAD FRIEND THAT SUPPORT OF THE CRAZY TWIN WHO WAS WRONG. put away for a week by cops and a judge who saw the mace picture from my twin being arrested for assaulting me, being used to arrest me(which I escaped from...got some great tips for you), and finally ended up having to be in Casey Anthony's Jail with the charge she ultimately got too! OH IF I JUST KILLED MY CHILD MAYBE THEN I'D BE LEFT ALONE TO BE INNOCENT, BUT NOT THE WAY FLORIDA WORKS, UR LOCKED UP NO MATTER WHAT JUSTIFIED OR NOT U GET TRAPPED FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER AND IT IS NO VACATION!
ARREST NUMBER 3 IN 2 MONTHS, 4TH LOCK UP....JAIL IT IS: Damn are there a lot of prostitutes in women's jail in Orlando who are also addicts, you would think this town had a raging drug problem or something? HOW'S THIS FOR A LAUGH, IF U GET CAUGHT 3 TIMES BEING A PROSTITIUTE IT'S A FELONY ALSO A FELONY DRIVING WITH A SUSPENDED LICENSE 3 TIMES....ARE U PARANOID YET, THE SYSTEM IS FUCKED, JUST TRYING TO SHARE THE INFO AND LOVE TO PROTECT YOU FROM SITUATION U NEVER COULD IMAGINE BEING IN, BUT COULD HAPPEN. I WAS A 3.8 HONORS/AP HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE, I WENT ON WITH A PERFECT RECORD, NOT EVEN A SPEEDING TICKET, TO BECOME A COLLEGE GRAUDATE FINISHING 2 DIFFERENT DEGREES IN 4 YEARS, A BACHELORS IN BUSINESS AND 1 IN PSYCHOLOGY.
2ALL WAS PERFECT ON WISTERIA LANE AS THIS BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN FINISHED HER MASTER'S DEGREE IN COUNSELING, TO GO ON AND BECOME A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR/SPECIAL ED TEACHER THE COMMUNITY LOVED AND TRUSTED. BUT WHAT DID SHE DO WRONG, SURROUND HERSELF WITH PEOPLE SHE COULDN'T HELP WHO TOOK TILL SHE WAS A SHELL AND RESENTED HER FOR HER BEAUTY AND MAGNIFICENSE TIL HER LIFE WAS A HORROR STORY SHE COULDN'T GET TO END AND GO BACK TO WHAT WAS ONCE ALMOST PERFECT. DO I REGRET MY CHOICES, HELL NO IT MADE ME THE STRONG WOMAN I AM DAY, DO I RESENT MY GENES AND BELIEVE ADDICTS SHOULDN'T MARRY. UNLESS THEY ARE READY IN THEIR SOBRIETY TO PUT ASIDE THEIR SELFISHNESS TO PROPERLY RAISE A LITTLE GIRL WITH LOVE AND COMPASSION.
SO TRUDGING THRU THE PRESENT TO GET TO THE POST OF GOLD....the best is watching MY LIFE TODAY, WHICH IS UPSIDE DOWN STILL....my mother tells me I have a month to get out or be on the streets with 2 months of Alcohol Sobriety, and 10 months without IV drugs, being screamed at everyday when I wake up by this woman who loves to come at me with knives....still. AS I SOB IN MY AA MTG LAST NIGHT THINKING OF THE ABUSE I WOULD AWAIT AFTER MISSING A DENTAL APPOINTMENT B/C I GOT LOST I LITERALLY SHAKE AND HAVE TO LEAVE THE ROOM B/C MY CRYING IS SO LOUD. I'M AFRAID TO GO HOME AND ASK THE OTHER LADIES WHERE I CAN STAY, BUT REMEMBER THE HOMELESS SHELTER COST MONEY, WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT ALL.
I WORKED CLEANING THE HOUSE FOR 8 HRS SOMETHING OUR CLEANING BIZ WOULD CHARGE 200 BUT SHE'S GOT USED TO NOT PAYING ME SOME WAY OR ANOTHER AND WOULD NOT GIVE ME MY MEASLY 60 TO SURVIVE TILL GOD KNOWS WHEN ON. I BARELY MAKE IT HOME AGAIN, I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING THIS BAD IN OUR ECONOMY BUT I FEEL LIKE IT COMBINED WITH THE ABUSE AT HOME! But she can't see that she actually has someone she should be proud to have in her house but secretly resents I am not a dry drunk like her and go to meetings. Of course the truth can never be spoken lest I push a button and end up on the street. So we play the game, and I lose as usual! The human dormat I have become to survive!!!!AREN'T I A DRAMA QUEEN, BUT SERIOUSLY THIS IS MY TONIGHT...
Oh isn't suffering fun, Demons get the FUCK BACK because you WILL BE SLAYED AND VERY SOON TOO! AFTER MY TRANSFORMATION IN 2012 GOD WILL LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I AM THE NEW LEADER OF THIS CRAZY FUCKED UP WORLD TO FOLLOW....JUST KIDDING, ONE CAN DREAM THOUGH RIGHT ;) LOL, YEAH AND I WANT TO HEAR WHAT UR DUMB ASSES THINK TOO EVEN THOUGH OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES AND EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE ONE, LUCKILY IF U CARE ENOUGH TO READ MY SHIT AND REACH OUT, I DO CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY GOOD OR BAD, THANKS FOR TUNING IN!!!! AREN'T WE ALL JUST ATTENTION WHORES ANYWAY IF U DIG REAL DEEP IN UR EGO AS I JUST DID .....LOL, LETS HAVE SOME FUN BITCHES!!!!
REMIND ME WHY I SHOULDN'T LOOK FOR ROPE PPL PLZ SORRY TO BE SUCH A DOWNER TONIGHT IF U HAVE THE TIME TO READ THIS.....THANK YOU MY GRATITUDE IS OVERWHELMING!!! FELLOW ADDICTS I KNOW THERE ARE PLENTY OF HOKEY SAYING THAT U THINK MIGHT HELP BUT RIGHT NOW I JUST NEED LOVE AND UR ADVICE OF WHAT U WOULD DO. ALSO VENTING/SHARING EXPERIENCES, STRENGTHS U HAVE FROM SIMILAR EXPERIENCES, AND HOPES (LIGHT U SAW AFTER UR OWN TUNNEL,
IT'S ALL I CAN SEE RIGHT NOW. I HOPE I HELPED SOMEONE ELSE BY SHARING SO HONESTLY AND WE CAN ALL STOP FEELING SO ALONE AND DIFFERENT BECAUSE WE'RE REALLY NOT, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS JOURNAL LING MEDIUM. SHARING BETWEEN US IS WHAT AA AND NA SAYS ARE THE MOST POWERFUL HEALERS.....THANK YOU, SORRY IF IT SEEMED I WAS UNGRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE, FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON OTHER PPL THAN MYSELF....I KNOW, BUT THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS, MEMORIES KEEPING ME SICK AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO GET THEM OUT. MY SPONSOR WON'T LET ME DO MY FOURTH STEP TILL I GET OFF SUBOXONE AND THAT SEEMS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE SINCE LAST MONTH WHEN I GOT DOWN TO THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE DOSE AND STILL HAD TERRIBLE WITHDRAWAL.
IS ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP, PLEASE BE MY ANGEL TONIGHT AND JOIN ME ON THIS BLOG. MAYBE ONE DAY WE CAN HELP OTHERS WITH OUR SIMILAR SUFFERING AS WE SLAY THE DEMONS TOGETHER ON THIS QUEST OF LIFE OR DEATH!
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